I Can't Get No Satisfaction

I can't quite put my finger on it... but I don't feel satisfied.  And I don't know why.

I've been here for about 4 months.  I've kinda gotten into a groove when it comes to teaching.  It's gotten easier and I've found a routine that works for my schedule so I'm not so tired.  But I'm still not getting that joy from working here.

I've tried to figure out why.  The church here is extremely conservative for my tastes, but I still like the community.  I like this church.  I like the people.  And I knew coming here that I wouldn't be getting drenched under a waterfall and that I would be working instead.  But at the same time... spiritually, I don't feel as nourished.  And it's much harder to nourish myself.  I'm finding myself going through the motions.  I haven't quite figured out my place here as a minister.

And that's a question that I have yet to answer.  What am I doing here?  Teaching English.  Is that it?  There has to be more.  But I don't know what.  Is it a matter of timing?  Do I still need to keep working at it before I know what it is?  Do I just do something, anything, regardless of timing?  This is what I really want to know.

Deep down in my heart I want to minister full time.  Lately, I've been thinking about going into seminary.  I like teaching English, and that's a great way to minister.  But out of all the hours I spend teaching English, I only get to talk about God for about 40 minutes throughout the whole week.  I want more than that.

I've also talked to Aaron about worship.  I feel that he and I are in the same boat, same place spiritually.  Very dry.  Unmotivated.  Something's missing.  Aaron is a great worshipper.  That's his gift.  That's who he is.  But lately he says he has no motivation to worship and he no longer worships.  That's very disheartening.  But the sad truth is, that also applies to me too.  I don't worship anymore.  Worship here is all in hymns.  In Japanese.  That's something that I still haven't adjusted to.  Hymns on a Sunday morning make me want to sleep.  Not get up and glorify God.  I have a desire to return to my artwork.  I just need to get some supplies that I need.  I know that I have to figure something out so that I can worship God in my way.

I've been reading the word, getting into Scripture daily... but I still feel dry.

Aaron prayed and got a word for me.  Diversity.  He said that the problem for me right now is that there is no diversity.  He said I'm a green puzzle piece in a black-and-white puzzle board.  So what do I need?  Or what do I do with that?  IDK.

Lots of questions.  No answers yet.